Monday, November 15, 2010

monika

so - on learning.. on changing.. on innovating... on authenticity..

it's so easy to talk or write about learning something or changing or innovating - but if you are keen to reflection and voices of opposition - you find so many holes in yourself.. and usually in unlikely places. usually in the places you were flapping about yourself in.

which is good. which is grande. finding holes is what it's all about. thanks to carol dweck, i now crave that, i now listen for those voices.

problem is - many of us are all so used to pleasing each other.. that we don't give each other that critical feedback. (esp students to teachers) and then when it is given to us - we usually end up playing defense - rather than wondering what the heck it really means....

so here's a good friend.. called me on something.

we're into this passion seeking in the lab. and we've started asking if people's passions are real. like - convince us you believe this...  convince others you're into this... that it's riskier to not go with you...

so i did that with this friend and they replied

why do you need convincing?
and i said... like we've been saying in the lab:  i need to know if you believe in it.. i mean really believe you can do it. i need to know how bad you want to do it

and their response:
i'm doing it 
it's being done
it's like someone asking me "do you believe in god"
PROVE that you believe in God.
how the heck do i do that?
you can ask that question-- but  
the answer lies solely 
in the work that's been 
accomplished.  
not in anything I can say.


well - that struck me hard. why was i doing that.. questioning passion.
i mean - i have seen this person going at it.. pretty much giving up everything for a project... how could i even be asking if they believed in it..

it was like trust being ravaged.

well - purging is good.
and while tripping over regurgitation can be emotionally exhausting it is oh so rewarding.
here's what i found - in myself..

i need to learn a lot about trust.

i wondered why i could feel i love people so much.. and yet send this lack of trust message with a nagging for verification. (funny - see - that's the very thing i'm so against in schools - in life - that we have to validate - why can't we trust - transparency makes us rich - etc... i know i believe in all that - and yet - that's what i'm sucking at most just now)

so i went back 35 years. 35 years of rarely speaking out about things. i remember thinking i had no real/valid/legit/valued voice. and my safety net - was to wait - wait till people asked me 20 times... if they got to 20 - i figured they wanted to hear my voice. it fit well with the perfectionism i mastered. the less you say... the less you say wrong.

i know this is crazy - but that doesn't make it untrue - it's how my head has worked. so - just this weekend - for the first time- i see that my endearing nagging nature.. repetitive questioning comes from voices in my head - that believe others think like i do/did.. and that i need to ask 20 times before they will find/speak their true voice.

yeah.
no biggie if you don't follow. huge to me. huge lesson on trust. both ways. i'm so amped to work on this.
huge apology to the dear ones who have had to endure it.. and will probably still see it surface.. but at least now i know of it and can explain that it's my own doing...

good to note... the 35 years of silence (rarely do people keep asking for your voice 20 times) bode me well - i crafted listening. which i think is huge. and often neglected.

and i'm sure i need critique on my listening skills as well.
that's just how it flies.
i love that i get that now. i love that at 50 i'm finally (ridiculously late) embracing my imperfection....

the paradigm shift is to trust.
and once we shift... we will be blown away by the energy, money, time, paper (to write all the rules on), expertise, .. we never even knew we had.

i need to quit talking about trust so much.. and work on doing it myself.

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