the last day of school..
i've never much liked the beginning or the end of the school yearmaybe it's my aversion to change (yeah - go figure)
maybe it's how unnatural the starting and stopping feels to my soul
the tensions of building up of new trusts and in a few short months saying good bye
maybe it's the unknown
maybe it's the chaos
maybe it's because that's where policy and structure seem most enforced, most needed
maybe that's why they're unsettling, they beg for a structure that feels foreign to my being, a make or break beginning, where the story goes, it's best not to smile, a labeling with a grade at the end
maybe it's because on reflection, it's the time i've focused more on me than on others
as i've felt those beginnings and ends are my responsibility, i'm the setter of the scene, the tone, i'm the closer of the plot
maybe it's because the essence of a school is the people, and yet the essence of our tradition can de-value people as each may/june we
label (good or bad grades/evaluations can leave us with a false sense of ourselves)
renew or not (the affordance of staying vs the strain of being let go - there's a balance of remaining mindful of our why)
honor or not (the absence and the presence of recognition can have much the same affect)
maybe it's because of my inadequacy in getting to know a person fast, 100 persons well enough, and then just as i seem to, my reluctance to
...let them go
the last day at my school..
the last day with that unique tie to my peers
the people you see day to day, year to year
the people sharing your struggles, your joys
the bonding from a school's flavors, it's colors
the love coming from a common goal, a common language, a common yearning
i've certainly kept my distance this year
did i see this coming, this day of bittersweet, this day of letting go
did i sense a year of defending my craziness, when i knew focus was key to moving forward
have i lost out my time in this place with these people
do they know what i do is in love for them
i know so very little
but i know too much to not break away
i know too much to fold
faces, looks, comments, loss, call out to my gut to stay
it would be so much easier if they could understand where this is headed
it would be so much easier if they could see it's for them as well
...for us
the last day at my kids school..
what am i thinking, wasn't this part of the master plan, to be at my kids school when they came
it played out perfectly - couldn't have asked for better
subbing at their elem 4-5 days a week - lunch with them every day
feeder school to their middle school, their future home would be less of a mystery
yet here, only half way through, i'm leaving
what am i thinking
will i be losing time in this with my darlings
do they know what i do is in love for them
i know so very little
but i know too much to not do this
i know too much to fold
longing to stay in the comfortable during their last two years rips at my being, awakens my senses
it would be so much easier if they could share beliefs that this is legit
it would be so much easier if their friends' families could talk about what we talk about, acknowledge what we acknowledge and move with us
...change is much easier in mass
the first day..
to test my own voice
to really dig in
to rally the forces
to make this happen
to awaken indispensable people
to focus on community
to build a culture of trust
to not just know that i can't not
...but to do the work
